Over 8 months ago God spoke to me through someone. Someone I didn’t know, someone I hadn’t even seen before and it wasn’t even in my church. God told me about my past, my present, about the future and warned me about somethings. How he described me was right on point. I wouldn’t had even been able to describe myself that good! What He warned me about has been helpful and is helping me. What He told me about the future? Love it.
So.. all is good, right? For a while I thought back on that and was excited for the future. Some time passed and I started to wonder if that was really God. What He told me about my past hadn’t made sense to me at the time. He said “a llorado mucho” (you have cried a lot). I thought to myself “I don’t cry often. I’ve cried before but it wasn’t THAT much?”. Was I getting excited and getting my hopes up about what God has/will give me? I asked God for confirmation to make sure it was actually Him. I didn’t want to doubt Him. Every thing He said made perfect sense but that one part had me thinking. I told Him I just wanted to make sure it was Him.
Months passed (end of Feb or beginning of March) and I hadn’t gotten confirmation so I told Him that I trust in Him and when it’s His time He will let me know.
Well, not long ago I was looking for something in my room and started searching through a night stand I have in my closet (I put papers in there) and found some old journals (March 2004-Summer 2007) I was surprised to see those there (I shredded all diaries dated 2000-Feb 2004 and had forgotten about those). I left them in there and hid them under some papers. I wanted to look through them and shred the unnecessary entries but didn’t have time.
For over a week I would be reminded to look through them and just didn’t take the time. One day I couldn’t get it off of my mind so went and began reading them. It took me hours just to skim through and shred 2-3 journals (I still have 2 left I need to fully look through) and I was surprised to see the things I wrote in them.
When I realized what had just happened I thanked God, I laughed, I teared up to see the difference God has made in me and how grateful I am for everything He has done, I told my mom, told my best friend.. I couldn’t stop smiling!
As I read I realized/remembered that I CRIED often March-July 2004 and cried EVERY day (sometimes throughout the whole day – at times I fell asleep crying) August 2004 until probably February 2005.
I read the entries, as I flipped page by page all I saw was crying. crying. I described how much hurt I was feeling. Disappointment. Then again crying. crying. etc
How could it be that I forgot about that? I knew I was hurt a lot but I had forgotten about the extent of the pain I had went through. The betrayal I had felt. The lies. The endless tears.
When I came to God I had so much pain in my heart. I didn’t even know where to begin. He worked in me. He knows what I need and He gave it to me. He knows how I am completely and He gave me all the love I need. He helped me not only to heal.. but He also helped me forget. oh how wonderful is my God? Not only does He help us forgive but he helps us forget.
He spoke to me about how much I had cried and I couldn’t even remember. I didn’t remember those days and nights of feeling alone. I asked God for confirmation and He made a way for me to find my answer. God knows me so well. He knows that at times I can be.. a bit difficult (hard headed for the lack of a better word). Maybe if He would’ve used someone else to tell me about Him giving me what I had wanted for so long – maybe. just maybe I would’ve wanted more confirmation to “double check”. Instead He made it so I can find my answer in my past. In the exact words I had written it. Words that no one ever read. Thoughts that no one knew about. Tears I cried alone.. Feelings that no one knew but me and Him.
God confirmed what I was wondering (about what He said about my past) and now there is no doubt that what He told me will happen – WILL happen and I am glad. A bit nervous because I never know *what* sign to put so God can let me know.. but that’s another story. I trust in God and He will find a way. He always has.
Little things like this.. leading me to my old entries to find answers to questions that only He could had helped me with. I would’ve never known. wow. I cannot even explain myself correctly. I know how wonderful my God is but just thinking about all the things He has done, is doing, and will do.. I. I cannot even put my thoughts together correctly because His greatness amazes me.
I am so grateful. Words cannot possibly begin to explain how much I love Him, how much I need and adore Him.
