Thoughts

Written on January 17, 2011. It’s difficult to come up with a title at times. Soon.

Thoughts

 

Have you ever had one of those days that you wake up

And nothing seems to make sense?

It feels like you’ve been living a life that is not your own.

You know what you need to do to make it all better

But your actions remain the same.

Instead of doing something, you ignore it all

And continue doing whatever it is that you do.

 

Nothing seems to be worth it anymore,

And you wonder why.

Countless questions race through your head

And it does nothing but intensify the pain you keep inside.

 

You love. However, you’re afraid it’s not enough.

You cannot seem to get yourself out of this rut.

You don’t know what or how to feel.

How to be. How to act.

Where are you? The real you?

 

You’re in there somewhere.

But this second-guessing isn’t you.

This indifference isn’t how you are.

 

Where is the happiness that pours off you?

The smile that would warm anyone’s cold heart?

Your eyes that showed nothing but love and understanding?

Your optimistic ways of seeing anything and everything.

Where have you been hiding?

 

It’s not a matter of not knowing what to do

But how to actually begin.

 

Breakthrough.

 

As the days, weeks, and months pass you by,

Nothing changes yet everything is different.

Time is not by your side.

 

Breakthrough.

No Need

Wrote this early morning ( 5:00am status) …. I’m in that emo mood so I’ll be writing A LOT today!

When I am by myself, I don’t have to pretend. I am free to be me and let my mind wander. My thoughts, my actions, my heart; he knows it all. No need to attempt to hide anything. No need to worry about not finding the correct words.

I need Him and He covers me with His love. No need to even ask. He’s there  reminding me that everything will be more than okay. He has everything under control.

 

Gray to White

Wrote this yesterday morning (August 1, 2010)

Gray to White

I’m known for always having a smile on my face

and laughing at all the right and wrong moments.

I’m one of the happiest people they know.

Hard to anger. Difficult to annoy. Easy to love.

My tear-stained sheets say another story.

I’ve stopped running, but instead have been closing myself in.

Avoiding. Acting as if nothing is wrong.

That has been my answer to forgetting this pain that has been building up inside of me.

I’ve attempted to keep myself busy.

Nothing is wrong when my mind is focused on everything and nothing at all.

When the pain is too great to bare, I go to Him.

To the only One who loves me truly and deeply.

To my God. The One who keeps me together.

He still waits for me.

He still loves me.

Always have. Always will.

With Him I could cry and he’d understand.

The hurt is consuming. At times, words escape me,

But He already knows what I need to say before I even say it.

I don’t deserve it, but He’s here for me always.

He is love and like Him, there is no other.

He is life. He is peace. He is everything good in my life.

Everything I need.

Help!

A few words to describe how I was feeling a few hours ago.

Help me! Without You I’ll never be successful. Guide me! I don’t know what to do or where to go. Hold me! Without Your embrace, I’ll crumble to pieces. Be my light, in this dark world. Protect me from harm. Protect me from myself. Take control. Without You, nothing is worth it.

You Love Me!

I wrote this as I do everything I post here. <3 I was hesitating to post, then thought about it for a few days, and decided why not?

You love me! I know you do, regardless of how unworthy I may feel.You love me! You died for me. For me: a selfish, foolish sinner.

Hold me! I dont deserve your understanding and everlasting love,

but hold me please, I need You so much.

I don’t deserve your amazing mercy and grace,

but please forgive all my sins and wash me with Your powerful blood again.

I’m weak. So weak. So fragile. So blind. So naive.

Help me! Do what it takes to get me to You.

I need to make it when You come.

I need to leave in the rapture.

I can’t stay. Please, don’t leave me.

If I’m nothing now…

I cant imagine how much less ill be then.

I’m a precious pearl allowing to be treated less than a pebble.

How dare I? How dare I?

How dare I cheat on You in Your face?

My Lord, The one I commited myself to.

How dare I be unfaithful?

How dare I treat You as if You mean nothing to me?

I am dirt! The worse dirt, but You must still love me.

You love me! Please tell me You love me. Don’t leave me.

I can’t live without You. I love You Jesus.

He knows what we forget

Over 8 months ago God spoke to me through someone. Someone I didn’t know, someone I hadn’t even seen before and it wasn’t even in my church. God told me about my past, my present, about the future and warned me about somethings. How he described me was right on point. I wouldn’t had even been able to describe myself that good! What He warned me about has been helpful and is helping me. What He told me about the future? Love it.

So.. all is good, right? For a while I thought back on that and was excited for the future. Some time passed and I started to wonder if that was really God. What He told me about my past hadn’t made sense to me at the time. He said “a llorado mucho” (you have cried a lot). I thought to myself “I don’t cry often. I’ve cried before but it wasn’t THAT much?”. Was I getting excited and getting my hopes up about what God has/will give me? I asked God for confirmation to make sure it was actually Him. I didn’t want to doubt Him. Every thing He said made perfect sense but that one part had me thinking. I told Him I just wanted to make sure it was Him.

Months passed (end of Feb or beginning of March) and I hadn’t gotten confirmation so I told Him that I trust in Him and when it’s His time He will let me know.

Well, not long ago I was looking for something in my room and started searching through a night stand I have in my closet (I put papers in there) and found some old journals (March 2004-Summer 2007) I was surprised to see those there (I shredded all diaries dated 2000-Feb 2004 and had forgotten about those). I left them in there and hid them under some papers. I wanted to look through them and shred the unnecessary entries but didn’t have time.

For over a week I would be reminded to look through them and just didn’t take the time. One day I couldn’t get it off of my mind so went and began reading them. It took me hours just to skim through and shred 2-3 journals (I still have 2 left I need to fully look through) and I was surprised to see the things I wrote in them.

When I realized what had just happened I thanked God, I laughed, I teared up to see the difference God has made in me and how grateful I am for everything He has done, I told my mom, told my best friend.. I couldn’t stop smiling!

As I read I realized/remembered that I CRIED often March-July 2004 and cried EVERY day (sometimes throughout the whole day – at times I fell asleep crying) August 2004 until probably February 2005.

I read the entries, as I flipped page by page all I saw was crying. crying. I described how much hurt I was feeling. Disappointment. Then again crying. crying. etc

How could it be that I forgot about that? I knew I was hurt a lot but I had forgotten about the extent of the pain I had went through. The betrayal I had felt. The lies. The endless tears.

When I came to God I had so much pain in my heart. I didn’t even know where to begin. He worked in me. He knows what I need and He gave it to me. He knows how I am completely and He gave me all the love I need. He helped me not only to heal.. but He also helped me forget. oh how wonderful is my God? Not only does He help us forgive but he helps us forget.

He spoke to me about how much I had cried and I couldn’t even remember. I didn’t remember those days and nights of feeling alone. I asked God for confirmation and He made a way for me to find my answer. God knows me so well. He knows that at times I can be.. a bit difficult (hard headed for the lack of a better word). Maybe if He would’ve used someone else to tell me about Him giving me what I had wanted for so long – maybe. just maybe I would’ve wanted more confirmation to “double check”. Instead He made it so I can find my answer in my past. In the exact words I had written it. Words that no one ever read. Thoughts that no one knew about. Tears I cried alone.. Feelings that no one knew but me and Him.

God confirmed what I was wondering (about what He said about my past) and now there is no doubt that what He told me will happen – WILL happen and I am glad. A bit nervous because I never know *what* sign to put so God can let me know.. but that’s another story. I trust in God and He will find a way. He always has.

Little things like this.. leading me to my old entries to find answers to questions that only He could had helped me with. I would’ve never known. wow. I cannot even explain myself correctly. I know how wonderful my God is but just thinking about all the things He has done, is doing, and will do.. I. I cannot even put my thoughts together correctly because His greatness amazes me.

I am so grateful. Words cannot possibly begin to explain how much I love Him, how much I need and adore Him.

Patience & Love

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

I need to shove it in my head learn to be patient – good amazing things come to those who wait on the Lord.

Today is just one of those days. It’s 10:22am and I need to hurry and get ready to go out but I guess I want to take some time and attempt to finish this post. I think it’ll be nice to look back on this one day.

God. oh how wonderful is my God! Him who has changed how I was. Him who has healed my hurt, who restored my self esteem, who shows His love by words and actions when I am feeling down, Him who hugs me when I am feeling so lonely and hurt, Him who is available all day every day if I need someone to talk to. He who waits on me to speak to Him instead of me wonder when I will hear from Him.

God is all I need. He provides. Why even think twice of a man?

… Last summer (2008) at a time that I needed guidance God showed me his unconditional love and showed me that His love is real and He IS faithful. I was hurt and about ready to give up on the thought of ever getting married. I asked God if I will ever get married; if it was His will. I basically said something like “God, if you want me to get married, if You have my partner I know He will be all I need and want because He will be chosen by you – I don’t mind if it will be 5 or even 10 years until I get married but I just want to know if it’s your will or if you want me to stay single”….. Not long after He told me He has my partner, that I will not be alone.To be patient and to ask for a sign and if God responds then I will know who my partner is.

Well.. being patient is not so easy when it comes to knowing if I have seen him before and who that person is I guess.. especially since I can never figure out what kind of sign to ask for LOL. oh my good Lord but God is good!

I have been single ever since a few days I found out I was pregnant.. so that would make it 4yrs & 6months and 4 days (whose counting? LOL) … When I was pregnant many guys tried “getting to know me” but I didn’t feel right talking to guys as more than friends when I was pregnant! Months later I ignored the guys because my baby was my priority and I didn’t want to take time that I can spend with him to talk to guys who wouldn’t be there a few months later. When I was finally “ready” (or so I thought) I waited on someone to finally realize that the one he was searching for was beside him all along. With time I accepted Jesus, started focusing on Him, realized that guy wasn’t the one for me, God told me He has the one and I guess here I am.

Being so young as I am.. and single for so long must be for a reason . I’ve been single for waaay too long a long time but I went through a lot of crap hurtful situations those few years of dating to last me a lifetime. I like to think of this as.. I have so much to offer why waste it on someone who isn’t worth it when the one God has chosen for me IS the perfect one for me? ay que cute.

I am usually a patient person. Really patient. I don’t mind waiting in long lines or long rides, not even waiting for my food in a restaurant (unless I’m in a hurry to get somewhere or if I’m with my son or any other child).. Well, recently the thought of a guy has been trying to creep it’s way in my head but I shake it off because if I give in and get in a relationship before God gives the “OK” then I will be asking for trouble & thats what the enemy wants..

I need to focus on God before anything. Sometimes its lonely or at least it feels like it is. My really good friend (I love her so much- she’s truly a blessing from God – but that’s a different post ha) and I were talking the other day when she spent the night at my house. We’re both single mothers and can relate in many things. Randomly I mentioned that It’ll be nice to talk to someone in the morning & before bed at times and throughout the day think that maybe he is thinking about you. Get a random text message or call just to say a quick hello or cute stuff like that.

God knows me more than I can ever know myself. I confuse myself with so many thoughts in my head and trying to figure out what I want and how (in a relationship) but in reality God sees and knows everything. He knows what I need. He knows what I have to offer. He knows whose the one for me.. I guess at times I just think it’ll be nice to have a special friend. Nothing sexual because that really is far from my head. I don’t care for that at the moment. Just someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes. Doesn’t need to be anything serious. Then again.. that won’t happen.

You know. Sometimes I wonder.. what does he look like? What is he doing now? Is he serving God? Is he doing Gods will? Is he lost and have yet to find salvation? whatever. These are just random thoughts.. It’ll be nice to talk to someone but I cannot allow these thoughts to invade my mind enough to reach my heart.

Everything is better with God. I don’t need to wait for a phone call. God is there all the time. I can speak to Him morning, night and in between. I don’t have to wonder if someone is thinking of me too because my God is thinking of me always. I don’t need to worry about Him lying because God is not human to lie. No need to worry about how I dress because He thinks I am beautiful and thinks I am special. *sigh* how wonderful is the God I serve. I don’t have to worry if I am loved equally because Gods love for me is unconditional. He forgives and forgets. He takes away the bad and gives the good.

I am saddened that I woke up this morning thinking about how nice it would be being with someone. As I prayed I apologized to God for over thinking this subject when He had already told me to be patient. As I prayed the thought of what God has done in my life came to mind. I couldn’t help but cry out of gratefulness and then felt relieved and didn’t focus think about it as much. But then I decided to write this.. because although I KNOW God is good and He provides these thoughts come to mind. Is it my flesh? Good chance it is. Although I do not desire “intimate” encounters.. just (insert a whole bunch of things here).

IMPORTANT things here is:

When man broke my heart, put me down and made me feel so low and insecure – God lifted me up, showed me His love through His words & hugs, He filled that void I had in my heart and took away and healed what was eating up inside of me.

I remind myself of this every time I catch myself looking at someone that catches my eye or when I start hoping to know more now. I need to shove it in my head learn to be patient – good amazing things come to those who wait on the Lord.

Getting Baptised

Guerra Contra Esta Casa

I’m getting Baptised this Friday!! I am pretty nervous because there will be A LOT of people in the synagogue but above all I am really excited!!

I will be an active member soon and I know I will be incredibly nervous but.. it’s all for God.

I can’t wait until the next Holy Communion in church! I will get to participate once I am Baptised. I am def looking forward to that.

Sunday night I felt the Holy Spirit and moved like never before. It was such a different and amazing experience. God has changed my life so much and I am very thankful!

This past week was Missionary week and different preachers came for the services. It was definitely a great week. I invited a few people but unfortunately no one was able to make it or just were not interested. There are two people who seem interested so hopefully they will feel the need in their heart to look for Jesus.

This is it for now, its 1:06am..

Doctors Visit

Sometime in January or February I was sitting down eating and all of a sudden I had a hard time swallowing and didn’t finish eating that night. Since then I’ve had trouble swallowing; some days being worse and some days being better.

Sometime last week (either Nov 25th or 26th) my swallowing got worse and at times I had a hard time swallowing my saliva. I went to the walk in clinic at the hospital that I always go to on Dec 2nd. After being in the waiting room for over two hours I was finally called in. My blood pressure and temperature was good. The resident who saw me asked me how my swallowing was. I explained the same as I always do which is that its difficult to swallow so I try to eat very slow and small bites and sometimes it’s hard to swallow at all. And at times my mouth gets tired of all the chewing to make sure its small enough to swallow. He asked me if I have lost any weight (I’m guessing because of me not being able to eat normally). I said not really it’s been on and off. He asked me if I am trying to lose weight and I responded that I am and a friend of mine suggested me getting my thyroid checked out.

THEN he asked me if I there’s a chance that my trouble swallowing can be psychological since I am trying to lose weight. I said no that it cannot be psychological. He went on to say that I shouldn’t get an endoscopy done if it’s psychological because there’s risk involved; I read about them ahead of time because I had an appointment to get one done a few months ago but didn’t because I had no one to help me after.

ANWAYS, He went to speak to the attending doctor. Came back 20 minutes later and mentioned that my record shows that I had depression and anxiety. I told him noo that I never had depression only social anxiety and this was many years ago around 2003 or so. He responded saying it says both depression and anxiety in 2004 and 2005. Which I didn’t think about it until after but I was pregnant Sept/Oct 2004 and had my baby May 2005, went to my 6 week check-up after giving birth and I NEVER went to the hospital or any clinic for myself until Feb 2008 when I started having swallowing problems so I have no clue what he was talking about. Someone I spoke with back in 2002/2003 (and only for 2 or 3 months) said she thought I had social anxiety but was not sure.. she gave me a prescription to some pills and I never took them and never went back because I thought it was a waste of time. I was 14 at the time. After that I started working at the mall and was good. Someone with social anxiety cannot work at the mall especially not around Christmas time.. OK.
Anyways, so because of this it seems pretty weird that my record would say that seeing that I did not speak to anyone for long and it definitely was NOT in 2004 or 2005. It was probably a few months after I turned 14. I am four months away from turning 21. This was over 6 years ago and they think its effecting me now?

He asked me if I wanted to speak to someone and I said NO that I’m all good that social anxiety was a long time ago and I have NEVER had depression.

SO.. he said I cannot get an appointment to see a GI doctor until February and then THEY will decide what to do and if I should get an endoscopy or not.

He asked if I was getting heartburn and I responded yes more than usual and told him I am taking tums. OK.

He gave me a paper for blood work and added the thyroid blood work form too. That’s it. He did not look in my mouth at all to check out my throat or anything. Just talk.

He said to give it a week and if it gets worse to come back and the attending will see what she can do. He said if I go to the Emergency room they can either admit me to the hospital to keep an eye on me or send me to the walk in clinic. I went to the emergency room a few months ago in a different hospital because of my swallowing problem and I couldn’t breathe good but since my tonsils looked good they didn’t do anything and just sent me home and told me to go to walk in.

One doctor who saw me a few months ago said it cannot be cancer because I am too young. Now someone else is thinking it can be psychological. It makes me wonder… are these doctors really trying to help or just hurry up the line?

Don’t get me wrong; the resident that saw me was super nice. He made sure to tell me that he believed me but that he just wanted to be sure its not psychological so we wont have to do an endoscopy if not needed.. but still. If I tell him I was never depressed he acts as if it’s not true.

I was speaking to a man while I was in line to register to the walk in clinic. He was in a wheel chair. I heard him speak to another lady in the waiting room later on. He had a leg amputated not long ago, lives alone, has some kidney problems and only God knows what else. He fell in his apartment a few days ago and was in a lot of pain, he couldn’t close one of his hands normally and something that was swollen on his stomach area was even more swollen.. He has fallen many times before since he does not have any help and at times the doctors have believed that he really is not in pain and just wants pain medication..

Yes, there are people who go to hospitals just for pain medication. I know people like that. BUT this man got his leg amputated and has real health issues. I know he’s in pain. There’s other people who complain of a simple back pain or anything else and get pills quick but people like him who are in need of them have a hard time. *SMH* pray for him please. I will do the same.

So yeah.. back to my swallowing. On Sunday (Nov 30) I was in church and had trouble swallowing my saliva at times. For a while I was praying to God to heal whatever it is that is causing me to have swallowing problems. That Sunday I also prayed about it for a little and when I was at the alter my swallowing (of my saliva) was normal. Thank God! I went home and still had trouble swallowing food though but at least I didn’t have to keep worrying about how I was going to swallow my saliva!

My appointment to see a GI doctor is two months away.. I will continue to pray to God to do the miracle and help me with my swallowing problem. For Him to heal whatever is causing me to not swallow normally and have a hard time breathing sometimes.

God is good. I know He is going to help me out.

I didn’t want to go to a doctor at all. I was just going to leave it in Gods hands but since my swallowing is getting worse my mom suggested me getting it checked out. I was also a bit scared that I would choke when alone at home so I went. All they did was blood work. The rest is in Gods hands. I went to the hospital now whatever happens let it be what God wants it to be.

I will be healed and it will be for Gods Glory.

Poder en la alabanza

It’s 12:29am. I must be up by 6am. Problem? I do not want to sleep. I have lots on my mind and many things I would like to write about. hmmmm. I’ll write about my trouble swallowing for now.

I have been having trouble swallowing for over 9 months. It was sometime in February when it happened suddenly while I was eating. I went to the doctors a few times and it was as if they did not believe I was having swallowing problems. They said I was too young to have cancer or anything serious like that. A bit later it got better then bad again so I went in a few more times. I had an upper G1 test done and the results were normal. A while later I was scheduled for an endoscopy but never went; part because I had no one to go with me and I couldn’t come home alone because I would be a bit dizzy and part because I am a CHICKEN when it comes to me going to the hospital for myself.

My swallowing started getting better and then bad and it has just been on and off again but never 100% normal. Now.. it’s getting bad again. On Wednesday I went to Taco Bell with a friend and my brother and I took a bite of a Grilled Stuffed Burrito and could not swallow. I had to spit it out. I drank a milk shake instead and still had to drink it really slow. Later that night I ate half of the burrito but it took me so long that my mouth was tired of the constant chewing and making sure I wouldn’t swallow too much food at a time.

For a while I kept hoping for a miracle from God and that He will heal my throat or whatever it is that is wrong with me and causing my swallowing problems. Recently I have been praying much more about it and am leaving it in God’s hands. Or at least trying; I’m a chicken… God help me please.

I have faith that God will heal me. I KNOW it. I was praying that it would be any day now.. but then something came to my mind earlier.At the moment the only people that really know that I am having trouble swallowing are my family. I have mentioned it on twitter and to a few people but my family are the ones that see me spit out my food or take what seems like forever to eat one item of food when they are at their 3rd or 4th. For God to heal me for His Glory some people would have to be aware of my problem for them to then see how I then am healed. But then again, God can do as He pleases and can heal me whenever He wants whether I am alone, in church or in the hospital.

I will continue praying and leaving my fears of going to the hospital and all of my problems in God’s hands. I know He will heal me. I just have to be patient.

( Matthew 10:8 ) Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.

( Acts 10:38 ) how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power, who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him.