I Don’t Know

I tend to “run away” or “hide” from God when I’m in need.

Some people look for Him when needed, at times I do the opposite.

I trust in Him, I suppose I get discouraged.

Maybe feel unworthy to ask for help.

Although I know He’s just waiting to hear from me.

Everyday I tell myself I have to be fine, almost as if to convince myself.

God has promised me too many things for them not to happen.

He’s not a liar. I attempt to calm myself with these promises.

But I’m still scared. God knows how my thoughts run when I’m on my own.

I used to find comfort after I cried.

An almost peaceful feeling would wash over me.

But now, now it causes me more worry.

Last Kiss?

12/08/10

If I knew that would be our last kiss

I would have slowed down

Tried to memorize every movement of your tongue

And the feel of your lips

If I would have known that would be the last time I would have you for myself

I would have smiled a little more and been more sweet

Would have taken the time to truly feel your hands on me

I should have kissed you more gently and poured my all in that one kiss.

I would have stopped to memorize your face, your confident smile and your captivating eyes

I should have told you what you mean to me

That you are so much more than the physical

Ideally, you would be mine and I would be the only one you would want to have.

Ideally, you would care for me as much as I care for you

You would allow me to be the one to make you happy and I would do the same

Ideally, it would be you and me, and that would be enough for you.

I would be enough

Nevertheless, that is not how it is.

Sometimes it does not even feel like we are friends.

I do not know what we are.

All I know is that I do not want that to be our last kiss.

When? When will I see you again?

Will there be a next time?

A Love Worth Fighting

I wrote this on September 16, 2010.

We fight for the person we want to be with;
yet we don’t truly fight to get closer to the only one who truly loves us unconditionally.

People come and go, but God is forever faithful.
We take a step without God and end up wounded,
only to crawl back to Him expecting Him to heal and make us new.
 
Once we are “renewed,” we stray from His ways
And go back to doing as we wish
Only to come back to Him when we need something.
Is He only good enough when we need Him?
Doesn’t He deserve more than we could possibly offer Him?
All He asks for is a relationship.
An honest, faithful relationship with us,
but we’re too busy trying to find that with someone who isn’t right for us.
 
We leave the one who loves us for one who will never love us enough.
We turn our backs on the one who died for our salvation
For one who kills us slowly and holds us back from spiritual growth.

Blind Girl

I wrote this yesterday, July 31, 2010.

Blind Girl

Naive, foolish girl

You followed your heart and ignored what you knew was best.

Your words said no,

However, your actions told him he could have you as he wished.

Emotionless, detached kisses meant everything to you.

You held on to meaningless conversation as if it meant something to him.

Young, weak, crazy girl

You knew about the rest of them.

Did you truly believe he cared enough about you?

His actions should have been enough of a warning

They were as loud as sirens,

Yet you ignored them and went along with what your heart said

You ran into a dark place all on your own.

You were not forced; you wanted him in any way.

He started this wild ride,

But you voluntarily stayed in the passengers’ side.

Are you happy now that you had him?

You put yourself down because of him,

When in reality you placed it all on yourself.

Those other girls?

They are no better than you,

You are truly valuable.

He gives those girls attention to get what he wants.

He ignores you until he wants what he knows you will give him.

You want to keep him happy,

He repays you with emptiness that numbs you inside.

Poor, blind, lovesick child.

Is it hard to see that he does not value your worth?

Leave him before you begin believing you are worth what he gives you – nothing.

In reality, you are everything.

Leave, before you destroy yourself.

Help!

A few words to describe how I was feeling a few hours ago.

Help me! Without You I’ll never be successful. Guide me! I don’t know what to do or where to go. Hold me! Without Your embrace, I’ll crumble to pieces. Be my light, in this dark world. Protect me from harm. Protect me from myself. Take control. Without You, nothing is worth it.

Vulnerable, Foolish heart.

Super random. Just wrote it. Let me know what you think.

The enemy wants to poison the heart with lies and hatred. The heart is vulnerable. It must be guarded with an unbreakable shield to keep it from becoming cold. Is it possible to save it from harm if the heart has been left unprotected for so long? Is it possible to care for such a fragile heart when it trust so blindly?

It’s sensitive, caring, loving, delicate, and foolishly looking for trouble. It knows no better. The heart longs to be protected, to always be whole, yet it refuses to be tamed. It goes around giving chances and only looking at the good, while avoiding the bad.

Unexpectedly, It get’s wounded and the enemy attacks again. The heart bleeds and cries out in pain, but attempts to stay strong. It could handle being shattered. It has to handle anything. It hides the pain with a smile, not wanting to admit that it’s damaged.

Suffering attempts to consume the heart but his Creator heals and puts all the pieces back together. It’s complete, made new and stronger than ever,  yet the irrational heart puts itself in a situation waiting to be wounded once more.

My Heart

Written April 28, 2010

You knowing my heart, is what saves me. Many times my actions do not show my love for You or Your works, but You look past that and search what lies within. At times I wonder if  it would be beneficial for me to harden my heart and stop being as caring. But then I realize that to change my heart would be to stop being me, and if my heart is what keeps You closer to me, I don’t want to change a thing. Search my heart, Lord. Stay. Make it Your permanent home. I never want to leave You. I need You more than I could ever express, more than I could ever imagine. Without You I am lost. Without You I am truly nothing. I do not deserve anything You give me, but I am deeply grateful. Stay with me always.