Thoughts

Written on January 17, 2011. It’s difficult to come up with a title at times. Soon.

Thoughts

 

Have you ever had one of those days that you wake up

And nothing seems to make sense?

It feels like you’ve been living a life that is not your own.

You know what you need to do to make it all better

But your actions remain the same.

Instead of doing something, you ignore it all

And continue doing whatever it is that you do.

 

Nothing seems to be worth it anymore,

And you wonder why.

Countless questions race through your head

And it does nothing but intensify the pain you keep inside.

 

You love. However, you’re afraid it’s not enough.

You cannot seem to get yourself out of this rut.

You don’t know what or how to feel.

How to be. How to act.

Where are you? The real you?

 

You’re in there somewhere.

But this second-guessing isn’t you.

This indifference isn’t how you are.

 

Where is the happiness that pours off you?

The smile that would warm anyone’s cold heart?

Your eyes that showed nothing but love and understanding?

Your optimistic ways of seeing anything and everything.

Where have you been hiding?

 

It’s not a matter of not knowing what to do

But how to actually begin.

 

Breakthrough.

 

As the days, weeks, and months pass you by,

Nothing changes yet everything is different.

Time is not by your side.

 

Breakthrough.

So Much More

12/08/10

We refer to one another as “friends.”

Maybe we could hang out. Or talk. Whatever you would like.

Then you would kiss me, and I would be fine

More than fine

Because I want you too,

Whichever way you would allow

So I let myself go.

I let myself feel nothing but you and me.

It takes a while to wrap my mind around the fact that this is what it is

I fight you often about it.

Always say no, that it cannot happen

When in reality I want you more than you know

I do not play hard to get.

I just try to figure out how and why, this- whatever we are, began and continued.

I would go along with whatever you would like; I just do not want to get used.

I attempt to get mad at you, just so that I could stay strong

However, memories of you crumble my non-existent guard

You smile and my heart melts.

I see you, and with one look, one kiss, I am completely yours all over again.

I throw caution at the wind, because you are all I want…

Only for you to back out on me AGAIN.

I am left feeling foolish and as if, I am not good enough.

Time passes.

A few days, weeks, maybe even a few months

Before you come back to me and we start from the beginning.

I am caught in a web of confusion.

Unsure of what to do until your words and your kiss change my way of thinking.

You have me.

Always did….

But you abandon me once again.

Ignore me even.

Is this a game? Do you only want me when I am being “difficult?”

I am unsure of what you want from me

What are you thinking?
What do you feel?

Do you care at all?

Or have I allowed myself to become just another girl?

Why do you not acknowledge that I am so much more?

I could be so much more.

I am so much more.

Untitled for now – Cant Think

I’ve been in a serious writing mood since Thursday night but once I sit down I’m blank.  I can’t take it. Writing is my escape but it seems it has left me.

 

You made it clear that you’d eventually break my heart.

I believed you even though deep down I hoped it’d be a lie

I took a chance,  knowing how you were

I hoped it would all change one day.

My heart begged for you.

I never knew how easily it’d be for you not to care.

Maybe I expected too much.

Maybe you appreciating me as just a friend was still too much to ask.

Me believing you loved me as a person was too much to look forward to.

I should’ve listened to you.

I should’ve known not to give you my heart.

I’m ruined. Cannot look at any other man as more.

I avoid anyone who might be interested in me.

I act as if I was taken. You’re the only one I want.

I can’t give away any part of me.

I offered you my all the last time we kissed.

I cannot give anyone a chance. 

Impossible to love another when I left my heart with you.

I’m Not Like This

Wrote it around five in the morning!

 

I’m not like this.

Over five years of waiting

Not giving any man a chance to get too close.

Then you came at me and with a simple kiss, my wall broke down.

I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

I ask myself what you had that was different.

What is it about you that made me fall so hard without you even trying?

I can’t blame you. I shouldn’t.

I could’ve walked away after the first or second time. I should have.

But instead something, just something pulled me closer

Next thing I knew, I was in too deep.

- Sarai Rivera

A Love Worth Fighting

I wrote this on September 16, 2010.

We fight for the person we want to be with;
yet we don’t truly fight to get closer to the only one who truly loves us unconditionally.

People come and go, but God is forever faithful.
We take a step without God and end up wounded,
only to crawl back to Him expecting Him to heal and make us new.
 
Once we are “renewed,” we stray from His ways
And go back to doing as we wish
Only to come back to Him when we need something.
Is He only good enough when we need Him?
Doesn’t He deserve more than we could possibly offer Him?
All He asks for is a relationship.
An honest, faithful relationship with us,
but we’re too busy trying to find that with someone who isn’t right for us.
 
We leave the one who loves us for one who will never love us enough.
We turn our backs on the one who died for our salvation
For one who kills us slowly and holds us back from spiritual growth.

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Blind Girl

I wrote this yesterday, July 31, 2010.

Blind Girl

Naive, foolish girl

You followed your heart and ignored what you knew was best.

Your words said no,

However, your actions told him he could have you as he wished.

Emotionless, detached kisses meant everything to you.

You held on to meaningless conversation as if it meant something to him.

Young, weak, crazy girl

You knew about the rest of them.

Did you truly believe he cared enough about you?

His actions should have been enough of a warning

They were as loud as sirens,

Yet you ignored them and went along with what your heart said

You ran into a dark place all on your own.

You were not forced; you wanted him in any way.

He started this wild ride,

But you voluntarily stayed in the passengers’ side.

Are you happy now that you had him?

You put yourself down because of him,

When in reality you placed it all on yourself.

Those other girls?

They are no better than you,

You are truly valuable.

He gives those girls attention to get what he wants.

He ignores you until he wants what he knows you will give him.

You want to keep him happy,

He repays you with emptiness that numbs you inside.

Poor, blind, lovesick child.

Is it hard to see that he does not value your worth?

Leave him before you begin believing you are worth what he gives you – nothing.

In reality, you are everything.

Leave, before you destroy yourself.

You Got Me

Wrote this on June 16, 2010. Enough said.

You got me in your control then let me go on my own. I’m left confused, wondering what’s going on. Time passes and I’m beginning to live happily without you. When I’m finally starting to be able to breathe well without you., you capture me again. I attempt to stand strong and leave you, to hold my ground and make you believe I’m fine on my own, but your words strike me with a force like no other. I am weak and vulnerable when it comes to you and you know this and use it to your advantage.

Let go! Let go! Free me from your power that makes me do as you wish; poison that takes control and makes me bend to your will. I’m unaware of my own actions until you leave me once again. Your way of being is intoxicating. I should escape, yet I stay for more.

However, if you listen, and do let go, and then find someone else to hold close enough for me to witness, How would I feel? Will I fall to pieces? Would I be seeing what I knew was happening all along? Would I finally realize that I’m not worth as much to you? Would I finally realize I’m not the only one you have, not even close?

You pull me in, nice words and promises hold me to you and I feel myself giving in, but I know better. I need to know better. I try to escape but your hold is firm. You’re not backing down, but even though it hurts me to be involved in this battle, I’m not sure if I want you to stop trying.

Do you really expect me to stay when you treat me as if I was worthless? Am I supposed to be waiting for whenever you decide to give me some time?

I will leave. I will leave one day and you won’t have me as you wish anymore. When that time comes you’ll realize you should had treated me as I deserve. You’ll see how truly valuable I am, and will regret not being there more often. One day you’ll regret not showing you cared. One day I’ll look at you and my heart won’t do that crazy weird thing it does every time you’re near. One day I’ll see your smile and not feel my insides melt. One day I’ll look at you and my heart won’t feel the need to go to you. One day I’ll be amazing without you, while you realize the difference you were looking for, was here all along. One day you’ll want me as much as I want you, but I won’t be waiting for you anymore.