I Stay Because I Love

When you love you want that person to be happy with or without you.

You don’t wish them harm or talk badly about them.

You don’t try to convince them to see things your way

and then rid them from your life when they don’t.

 

When you love, you hold on to the friendship as much as possible

because its better to have them as your friend than nothing at all.

 

When you’re easy to anger, hoping they get hurt so you could tell them

“I told you so,” constantly jealous, and unwilling to listen…

Could you really say its love?

So Much More

12/08/10

We refer to one another as “friends.”

Maybe we could hang out. Or talk. Whatever you would like.

Then you would kiss me, and I would be fine

More than fine

Because I want you too,

Whichever way you would allow

So I let myself go.

I let myself feel nothing but you and me.

It takes a while to wrap my mind around the fact that this is what it is

I fight you often about it.

Always say no, that it cannot happen

When in reality I want you more than you know

I do not play hard to get.

I just try to figure out how and why, this- whatever we are, began and continued.

I would go along with whatever you would like; I just do not want to get used.

I attempt to get mad at you, just so that I could stay strong

However, memories of you crumble my non-existent guard

You smile and my heart melts.

I see you, and with one look, one kiss, I am completely yours all over again.

I throw caution at the wind, because you are all I want…

Only for you to back out on me AGAIN.

I am left feeling foolish and as if, I am not good enough.

Time passes.

A few days, weeks, maybe even a few months

Before you come back to me and we start from the beginning.

I am caught in a web of confusion.

Unsure of what to do until your words and your kiss change my way of thinking.

You have me.

Always did….

But you abandon me once again.

Ignore me even.

Is this a game? Do you only want me when I am being “difficult?”

I am unsure of what you want from me

What are you thinking?
What do you feel?

Do you care at all?

Or have I allowed myself to become just another girl?

Why do you not acknowledge that I am so much more?

I could be so much more.

I am so much more.

Last Kiss?

12/08/10

If I knew that would be our last kiss

I would have slowed down

Tried to memorize every movement of your tongue

And the feel of your lips

If I would have known that would be the last time I would have you for myself

I would have smiled a little more and been more sweet

Would have taken the time to truly feel your hands on me

I should have kissed you more gently and poured my all in that one kiss.

I would have stopped to memorize your face, your confident smile and your captivating eyes

I should have told you what you mean to me

That you are so much more than the physical

Ideally, you would be mine and I would be the only one you would want to have.

Ideally, you would care for me as much as I care for you

You would allow me to be the one to make you happy and I would do the same

Ideally, it would be you and me, and that would be enough for you.

I would be enough

Nevertheless, that is not how it is.

Sometimes it does not even feel like we are friends.

I do not know what we are.

All I know is that I do not want that to be our last kiss.

When? When will I see you again?

Will there be a next time?

Untitled for now – Cant Think

I’ve been in a serious writing mood since Thursday night but once I sit down I’m blank.  I can’t take it. Writing is my escape but it seems it has left me.

 

You made it clear that you’d eventually break my heart.

I believed you even though deep down I hoped it’d be a lie

I took a chance,  knowing how you were

I hoped it would all change one day.

My heart begged for you.

I never knew how easily it’d be for you not to care.

Maybe I expected too much.

Maybe you appreciating me as just a friend was still too much to ask.

Me believing you loved me as a person was too much to look forward to.

I should’ve listened to you.

I should’ve known not to give you my heart.

I’m ruined. Cannot look at any other man as more.

I avoid anyone who might be interested in me.

I act as if I was taken. You’re the only one I want.

I can’t give away any part of me.

I offered you my all the last time we kissed.

I cannot give anyone a chance. 

Impossible to love another when I left my heart with you.

I’m Not Like This

Wrote it around five in the morning!

 

I’m not like this.

Over five years of waiting

Not giving any man a chance to get too close.

Then you came at me and with a simple kiss, my wall broke down.

I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

I ask myself what you had that was different.

What is it about you that made me fall so hard without you even trying?

I can’t blame you. I shouldn’t.

I could’ve walked away after the first or second time. I should have.

But instead something, just something pulled me closer

Next thing I knew, I was in too deep.

- Sarai Rivera

He Has Me

Random!!

He has me and he doesn’t even know it.

Or maybe he does but he doesn’t feel not even a fraction of what I do.

 He should know I’ll never purposely hurt him.

I’ll try to make him happy to the best of my abilities.

I want to be there for him. As much as he would allow.

Even if it’s just as good friends…

I’d be fine with that as long as  he’s mine in someway.

 But instead he chooses most other girls over me.

Yet here I am.

Waiting for something that might never come.

Waiting for the unknown.

Waiting for an answer.

Waiting for him. For more.

Waiting to wait.

 

 

Let me be the one to love you more… Song reminds me of the person this was inspired by except this song is actually for a past love… He has never been mine.

No Need

Wrote this early morning ( 5:00am status) …. I’m in that emo mood so I’ll be writing A LOT today!

When I am by myself, I don’t have to pretend. I am free to be me and let my mind wander. My thoughts, my actions, my heart; he knows it all. No need to attempt to hide anything. No need to worry about not finding the correct words.

I need Him and He covers me with His love. No need to even ask. He’s there  reminding me that everything will be more than okay. He has everything under control.

 

A Love Worth Fighting

I wrote this on September 16, 2010.

We fight for the person we want to be with;
yet we don’t truly fight to get closer to the only one who truly loves us unconditionally.

People come and go, but God is forever faithful.
We take a step without God and end up wounded,
only to crawl back to Him expecting Him to heal and make us new.
 
Once we are “renewed,” we stray from His ways
And go back to doing as we wish
Only to come back to Him when we need something.
Is He only good enough when we need Him?
Doesn’t He deserve more than we could possibly offer Him?
All He asks for is a relationship.
An honest, faithful relationship with us,
but we’re too busy trying to find that with someone who isn’t right for us.
 
We leave the one who loves us for one who will never love us enough.
We turn our backs on the one who died for our salvation
For one who kills us slowly and holds us back from spiritual growth.

Gray to White

Wrote this yesterday morning (August 1, 2010)

Gray to White

I’m known for always having a smile on my face

and laughing at all the right and wrong moments.

I’m one of the happiest people they know.

Hard to anger. Difficult to annoy. Easy to love.

My tear-stained sheets say another story.

I’ve stopped running, but instead have been closing myself in.

Avoiding. Acting as if nothing is wrong.

That has been my answer to forgetting this pain that has been building up inside of me.

I’ve attempted to keep myself busy.

Nothing is wrong when my mind is focused on everything and nothing at all.

When the pain is too great to bare, I go to Him.

To the only One who loves me truly and deeply.

To my God. The One who keeps me together.

He still waits for me.

He still loves me.

Always have. Always will.

With Him I could cry and he’d understand.

The hurt is consuming. At times, words escape me,

But He already knows what I need to say before I even say it.

I don’t deserve it, but He’s here for me always.

He is love and like Him, there is no other.

He is life. He is peace. He is everything good in my life.

Everything I need.

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