Tag Archives: Passive

His Love

Posted on by sarairivera

I just wrote this. (January 10, 2010) Maybe it won’t make sense to many but I had to get it off my chest. When the inspiration to write hits, I have to go with it. Leave me your comments please! Be gentle with my fragile heart though!!

His Love

I laid in bed and He followed me, lying by my side. I felt His presence, knew he wanted me to acknowledge Him, but I couldn’t. He waited for me to look His way, waited for me to make the next move but some unknown thing prevented me from getting closer to Him.

I turned from Him even though I needed Him. I felt the pull to be by His side always, but I didn’t make a move. Instead, I lowered my head in shame, turned on my side and focused on other things. I ignored the way my conscience told me to talk to Him, to say something, anything. I drifted off to sleep with thoughts everywhere but truly on Him. I didn’t notice that He had been watching me all along. As I laid back and let my mind wander, as I had the inner conflict, and then as I fell asleep—He had stayed, hoping I would look His way.

He watched me as I slept and held me close to Him, protecting me. In the morning, right before I woke, He took a step back and waited for me once again.

Throughout the day I knew He was around. I felt Him, knew He was patiently waiting for me. I still didn’t make a move.

Fear constantly crept in at the thought that He would come and go without me. That He might grow tired of waiting for me, that He would forget me and find someone who would treat Him as He deserves. Someone better than me.

As the minutes became hours and the hours became days, nothing but the increasing pain in my heart changed. I did nothing. I was alive without actually living because without Him, I had nothing. I knew it was impossible to exist without Him, without His protection, without His love, yet I didn’t go to Him.

I felt the weight on me, the weight I always had whenever I wasn’t near Him.  I didn’t betray Him. I didn’t stray from where I was supposed to be, at least not physically.

I questioned myself if staying nearby without actually reaching out and talking to Him was worse than leaving. I never could have left Him, but I still closed myself in. What was the difference?

He sat by me and I couldn’t look His way. The pain I knew I was causing Him by not speaking to Him was enough to make my heart grow heavy. Tears fell down my cheeks freely knowing my pain will turn into nothing but happiness if I was to just look for Him, but I couldn’t.

He’s wonderful, so good to me. He’s perfect. But I felt as if I was no good. I was a mess. Much better than I was before I met Him, but still needing much work. It hurt. He wants me. He wants to help me get stronger and become much greater than what I could imagine, but I let the negativity sweep over me.

I stood in the middle of a battlefield. The enemy approached me, laughing, trying to get me down. Somehow I still stood strong, but only because He hadn’t left me. He prevented my defeat.

Life, love, victory and much more awaited me at His side, but I stood without taking a step forward. Watching, needing to be with Him, but somehow unable to move. Unable to open my mouth to tell Him how much I needed Him.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget it all. Tried to isolate myself from everything. Time passed and was unsure of what was hapening around me, which frightened me. I stood and movement was all around me, life in general kept going, everything was changing, yet I was the same.

People went to Him and He didn’t deny them. He wrapped them in His arms and offered them everything. I smiled, grateful of the memory that flooded my mind. He had once accepted me when I came to Him, just the same as He did them. He loved and protected me before I even knew He was there. He had also offered me it all.

Tears flowed freely, knowing that His love is so great that He was still waiting for me, looking past my imperfections.

He called me to Him, a low whisper, but I didn’t hear it, for I was too occupied in myself loathing. He didn’t force Himself. He waited patiently.  Knowing I will come to Him again with a humbled heart. It’s was His after all. I gave Him my heart long ago. I just had a problem showing Him.

The thought of His perfection was like a hit to my heart. If it wasn’t for Him knowing what lay in my heart and for his mercy, I have no clue where I would be. My actions were far from what was in my heart, but He still knew. He looked at my heart instead and accepted me for who I was.

One night, I closed my eyes and heard a mocking laughter. I felt a presence that chilled my bones. They taunted me. Told me I was worthless without God. That He wasn’t with me anymore.  I knew they were lying. I knew He would never leave my side. Doubt tried to slip in, but I pushed it away. His love had always been nothing but unconditional for me.

The voices continued to tell me I was powerless, that I never did enough, that I would never be more. That I was alone. The truth hit me harder than anything ever did, because the fact was, I hadn’t done anything to deserve what He had offered and given me.

With the power and authority I didn’t feel, yet I knew I had, I rebuked the voices and evil spirits. I used Jesus name, because only His name could set me free, and the spirits had no choice but to leave. The atmosphere cleared and they no longer bothered me.

I cried feeling that I was unworthy of the power He had given me, but still grateful nonetheless. He  stayed by my side, wanting to wipe away my tears and make me all better, but for some reason I didn’t let Him. How could I? For He is perfect in every way and I felt like dirt.

He offered me everything in exchange for my love and faithfulness. I could have had it all by His side but I chose to stand in the sidelines instead.

I looked around. People surrounded me but nothing mattered anymore. People laughed and had fun. I smiled in return and shared good times, but deep inside I felt Him. I felt how much He wanted me to go to Him. I hesitated, knowing I should go to Him, but something kept me back once again.

I was in an emotional roller coaster. Hurt. Tears. Hope. Tiredness. Wanting to give up, yet keep going. I needed to breakthrough but I welcomed the alone time instead.

I cuddled up under the covers and closed my eyes wanting to sleep, to forget the loneliness I felt of having Him so close yet being without Him. He once again lied nearby, waiting.

I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I turned to Him and called His name and He smiled and accepted me in His arms as He always did. He hugged me, like only He could, and restored me inside out. I was filled with joy and happiness. I had no idea why I waited so long to be with Him again.

I tried to apologize repeatedly only to have Him whisper that He had already forgiven me.  Tears of gratefulness filled my eyes and He once again offered it all.

I began feeling unworthy of all His love and affection, but He reassured me of how special I truly am to Him. My heart swelled with even more love for Him. For He loved me first, and never tired of waiting for me.

His love had always been unconditional, regardless of my mistakes and weaknesses. He is my strength, my everything, and I knew that one day I would be where I should be. I knew I wouldn’t fall as quickly as I once had. I would be where He wanted me to be, where I needed to be—For Him.

He’s the only one who could make and keep me whole. With God, I am everything. Without Him, I am nothing.