So Much More

12/08/10

We refer to one another as “friends.”

Maybe we could hang out. Or talk. Whatever you would like.

Then you would kiss me, and I would be fine

More than fine

Because I want you too,

Whichever way you would allow

So I let myself go.

I let myself feel nothing but you and me.

It takes a while to wrap my mind around the fact that this is what it is

I fight you often about it.

Always say no, that it cannot happen

When in reality I want you more than you know

I do not play hard to get.

I just try to figure out how and why, this- whatever we are, began and continued.

I would go along with whatever you would like; I just do not want to get used.

I attempt to get mad at you, just so that I could stay strong

However, memories of you crumble my non-existent guard

You smile and my heart melts.

I see you, and with one look, one kiss, I am completely yours all over again.

I throw caution at the wind, because you are all I want…

Only for you to back out on me AGAIN.

I am left feeling foolish and as if, I am not good enough.

Time passes.

A few days, weeks, maybe even a few months

Before you come back to me and we start from the beginning.

I am caught in a web of confusion.

Unsure of what to do until your words and your kiss change my way of thinking.

You have me.

Always did….

But you abandon me once again.

Ignore me even.

Is this a game? Do you only want me when I am being “difficult?”

I am unsure of what you want from me

What are you thinking?
What do you feel?

Do you care at all?

Or have I allowed myself to become just another girl?

Why do you not acknowledge that I am so much more?

I could be so much more.

I am so much more.

Patience & Love

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

I need to shove it in my head learn to be patient – good amazing things come to those who wait on the Lord.

Today is just one of those days. It’s 10:22am and I need to hurry and get ready to go out but I guess I want to take some time and attempt to finish this post. I think it’ll be nice to look back on this one day.

God. oh how wonderful is my God! Him who has changed how I was. Him who has healed my hurt, who restored my self esteem, who shows His love by words and actions when I am feeling down, Him who hugs me when I am feeling so lonely and hurt, Him who is available all day every day if I need someone to talk to. He who waits on me to speak to Him instead of me wonder when I will hear from Him.

God is all I need. He provides. Why even think twice of a man?

… Last summer (2008) at a time that I needed guidance God showed me his unconditional love and showed me that His love is real and He IS faithful. I was hurt and about ready to give up on the thought of ever getting married. I asked God if I will ever get married; if it was His will. I basically said something like “God, if you want me to get married, if You have my partner I know He will be all I need and want because He will be chosen by you – I don’t mind if it will be 5 or even 10 years until I get married but I just want to know if it’s your will or if you want me to stay single”….. Not long after He told me He has my partner, that I will not be alone.To be patient and to ask for a sign and if God responds then I will know who my partner is.

Well.. being patient is not so easy when it comes to knowing if I have seen him before and who that person is I guess.. especially since I can never figure out what kind of sign to ask for LOL. oh my good Lord but God is good!

I have been single ever since a few days I found out I was pregnant.. so that would make it 4yrs & 6months and 4 days (whose counting? LOL) … When I was pregnant many guys tried “getting to know me” but I didn’t feel right talking to guys as more than friends when I was pregnant! Months later I ignored the guys because my baby was my priority and I didn’t want to take time that I can spend with him to talk to guys who wouldn’t be there a few months later. When I was finally “ready” (or so I thought) I waited on someone to finally realize that the one he was searching for was beside him all along. With time I accepted Jesus, started focusing on Him, realized that guy wasn’t the one for me, God told me He has the one and I guess here I am.

Being so young as I am.. and single for so long must be for a reason . I’ve been single for waaay too long a long time but I went through a lot of crap hurtful situations those few years of dating to last me a lifetime. I like to think of this as.. I have so much to offer why waste it on someone who isn’t worth it when the one God has chosen for me IS the perfect one for me? ay que cute.

I am usually a patient person. Really patient. I don’t mind waiting in long lines or long rides, not even waiting for my food in a restaurant (unless I’m in a hurry to get somewhere or if I’m with my son or any other child).. Well, recently the thought of a guy has been trying to creep it’s way in my head but I shake it off because if I give in and get in a relationship before God gives the “OK” then I will be asking for trouble & thats what the enemy wants..

I need to focus on God before anything. Sometimes its lonely or at least it feels like it is. My really good friend (I love her so much- she’s truly a blessing from God – but that’s a different post ha) and I were talking the other day when she spent the night at my house. We’re both single mothers and can relate in many things. Randomly I mentioned that It’ll be nice to talk to someone in the morning & before bed at times and throughout the day think that maybe he is thinking about you. Get a random text message or call just to say a quick hello or cute stuff like that.

God knows me more than I can ever know myself. I confuse myself with so many thoughts in my head and trying to figure out what I want and how (in a relationship) but in reality God sees and knows everything. He knows what I need. He knows what I have to offer. He knows whose the one for me.. I guess at times I just think it’ll be nice to have a special friend. Nothing sexual because that really is far from my head. I don’t care for that at the moment. Just someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes. Doesn’t need to be anything serious. Then again.. that won’t happen.

You know. Sometimes I wonder.. what does he look like? What is he doing now? Is he serving God? Is he doing Gods will? Is he lost and have yet to find salvation? whatever. These are just random thoughts.. It’ll be nice to talk to someone but I cannot allow these thoughts to invade my mind enough to reach my heart.

Everything is better with God. I don’t need to wait for a phone call. God is there all the time. I can speak to Him morning, night and in between. I don’t have to wonder if someone is thinking of me too because my God is thinking of me always. I don’t need to worry about Him lying because God is not human to lie. No need to worry about how I dress because He thinks I am beautiful and thinks I am special. *sigh* how wonderful is the God I serve. I don’t have to worry if I am loved equally because Gods love for me is unconditional. He forgives and forgets. He takes away the bad and gives the good.

I am saddened that I woke up this morning thinking about how nice it would be being with someone. As I prayed I apologized to God for over thinking this subject when He had already told me to be patient. As I prayed the thought of what God has done in my life came to mind. I couldn’t help but cry out of gratefulness and then felt relieved and didn’t focus think about it as much. But then I decided to write this.. because although I KNOW God is good and He provides these thoughts come to mind. Is it my flesh? Good chance it is. Although I do not desire “intimate” encounters.. just (insert a whole bunch of things here).

IMPORTANT things here is:

When man broke my heart, put me down and made me feel so low and insecure – God lifted me up, showed me His love through His words & hugs, He filled that void I had in my heart and took away and healed what was eating up inside of me.

I remind myself of this every time I catch myself looking at someone that catches my eye or when I start hoping to know more now. I need to shove it in my head learn to be patient – good amazing things come to those who wait on the Lord.