Blind Girl

I wrote this yesterday, July 31, 2010.

Blind Girl

Naive, foolish girl

You followed your heart and ignored what you knew was best.

Your words said no,

However, your actions told him he could have you as he wished.

Emotionless, detached kisses meant everything to you.

You held on to meaningless conversation as if it meant something to him.

Young, weak, crazy girl

You knew about the rest of them.

Did you truly believe he cared enough about you?

His actions should have been enough of a warning

They were as loud as sirens,

Yet you ignored them and went along with what your heart said

You ran into a dark place all on your own.

You were not forced; you wanted him in any way.

He started this wild ride,

But you voluntarily stayed in the passengers’ side.

Are you happy now that you had him?

You put yourself down because of him,

When in reality you placed it all on yourself.

Those other girls?

They are no better than you,

You are truly valuable.

He gives those girls attention to get what he wants.

He ignores you until he wants what he knows you will give him.

You want to keep him happy,

He repays you with emptiness that numbs you inside.

Poor, blind, lovesick child.

Is it hard to see that he does not value your worth?

Leave him before you begin believing you are worth what he gives you – nothing.

In reality, you are everything.

Leave, before you destroy yourself.

Low Self Esteem – How it started.

As many know I have had a low self esteem in the past. A very low self esteem. Only “reason” or explanation as to why or how my low self esteem started has been my weight. I never told anyone anything more (well I told a little bit to Adrianna and Lori – “heeey girls”- anyhow) here it goes.

People like to talk, it’s normal. Some people might say it was because I was picked on in school, others might say it started when I started gaining weight, etc etc. Well, the answer to that is none of the above. I was never the most popular in school but I always had a lot of friends and was pretty content with everything in school. Seventh grade was actually the best year I had in school – ( but then the craziness started when I turned 13)

My self esteem went from high to low to very low FAST.

Towards the end of seventh grade (end of 2000) I met a friend. We started hanging out often. She then(June 2001) introduced me to her boyfriend who then got the idea to introduce me to his best friend who not long after became my first boyfriend. We met him two months after I turned 13 and he was 23-24 (we’ll get to the age confusion later). I was beyond naive. Thought I was in love blah blah, a few months after I found out he had a girlfriend before meeting me (which I figured he was cheating on her not me because I was after). He said he would break up with her to prevent me from leaving him.. which he never did. I then found out he also had 3+ other girlfriends. drama drama. Everyone was in their 20s and 30s while I was the youngest at 13. I honestly believed he was going to stay with me.

Ever since I was young I had this sort of ‘dream’. I pictured myself happily married and with a child ever since I can remember. Since he was my first boyfriend I was naive enough to believe it will work out and he will marry me. I stuck it out.. waiting. Few months later (Jan 2002) he was stabbed at a bar/club and he died. I lowered myself and went to his wake which was there that it said his year or birth was 1977 when I thought it was 1978. He had told me he was 23 not 24 so not exactly sure which was true – I will never know for sure but really, I could care less now.

All that drama with him affected me. I felt (because I WAS) used. Not long after I met a friend (Spring 2002). I was 14 he was 17. I felt like I can trust him, I trusted him with my feelings and pain I was feeling about my first boyfriend. With time he was able to sweet talk me and we became boyfriend & girlfriend. Few weeks later I found he had a girlfriend he was on and off with and that he cheated on her with me. At this point I was already wondering “how can this happen twice? Do I only attract guys who are taken?”. I then started to feel like guys were only using me and didn’t want something serious. I couldn’t figure out why. I would think something along the lines of “I’m a great friend, always try my best to make everyone I know happy, I care for others, I’m sweet, help others, amazing girlfriend, put others first, etc. What is wrong with me?… it MUST be because I am fat. That’s it. That’s the only thing wrong with me”. So that’s how it started.. my weight was my only major flaw and what I blamed everything on. That guy and I obviously broke up.

I stayed single. Many guys will try to talk and get with me but I always turned them down because I just was tired of trying and getting hurt.

Later on in 2003 I met this guy who was a great friend at first. We had a great time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t accept because I believed I wasn’t ready for a relationship. He was too sweet and I was still hurting from my past and didn’t want to deal with a relationship. Few months later we meet again and I find that he asked me out because he thought I was ‘beautiful’ but later was glad we did not get together because he was still in love with his ex and didn’t want to use me like that. SO.. proves he was different because any other guy would’ve tried again and wouldn’t had considered my feelings. – Well, with time I started liking him and since he didn’t want to ‘hurt me” I told myself that it was all a lie and he just didn’t like me like that anymore because I am fat. (dumb, but this is how me at 14/15yrs old was thinking).

I met many guys who tried to get with me but I never gave them a chance. I wanted to be single. Then that’s when I met someone who was someone I considered a best friend (end of 2003). He made me feel comfortable about my weight and who I was. But a few years later (2007) . I started doubting who I was. I started feeling used again… by the person I never thought would make me feel that way. We ended our friendship because at that time I was getting serious with God and I had to let go of my past as well as the people who didn’t agree with who I was becoming.

Well, before then in 2004 I met my sons biological father which is when my low self esteem became even lower and almost non-existent. I was 16 at the time and he was 21. When I first saw him I thought to myself “wow, he is FINE.. but whatever someone as cute as him will never get with someone like me”. Somehow we started talking and next thing you know we’re in a relationship. after two years of turning people down I gave in because he was ‘cute’ and pretty much a good ‘sweet talker’ and I was of course a young, naive, boy crazy little girl. Our relationship was good for about ONE week then it was on and off. We broke up four times in the first two months alone. I used to waste most of my money on him, cared for him way too much, always made sure he was doing good and he never appreciated it. He always made me feel like I was inferior to him. Maybe that wasn’t his intention.. but that’s how I felt most of the time. I wont get into details but he made me feel like I was dumb, useless, fat and ugly. I used to cry every day because our relationship wasn’t getting any better. We broke up the last time in the beginning of Sept 2004 but acted the same just without the title. oh lucky him, right? I continued to feel used but somehow believed that we will get together and eventually get our own apartment and get married as he said we would. One month later we find out I’m pregnant and he wants me to get an abortion. I disagreed (seeing that the first day we met I was telling him how I am pro-life and wanted to organize a protest – he should ve known I would never). He threatened me, had me choose between having an abortion and being with him and getting married and having children later or keeping my child and him leaving for good. – I obviously chose my child and just figured that if he loved me for real he will come around…. He always wanted to have a boy because he already had a daughter.. I wondered why wouldn’t he want to go to the appointments seeing that I am having what he has always wanted. I thought about it constantly… “I cooked for him, bought him food, made sure he always ate and was doing good, im a good friend, great girlfriend to him, I am having a boy. Whats wrong here? Must be because I am fat and he doesn’t want a fat and ugly girlfriend”. That’s what I told myself. There was nothing else wrong with me.

That was the last straw for me. I was too hurt. My self esteem was almost known existent at this time. The only thing that kept me strong was my baby and my amazing mom who always offered me her love and support.

I had my son in 2005. The beginning of 2006 I saw my sons biological father. I had a lot of built in anger for him at the time. I didn’t want to speak to him but when he went up to me I responded so that my son will never be able to say I didn’t try. I gave him my number so he can call and ask about my son. He called often at first. He asked me to be with him sexually, no relationship just friends having sex he said. I told him “never. we’ll never be”. After him always asking I was disgusted/mad and told him never to call me unless it’s to ask for my son. He never called again. I was mad because he didn’t even care about MY baby and only worried about trying to get me in bed again. I started remembering about all the pain he caused me in our relationship and how he always had it easy because I always tried to please him and he never considered my feelings… I couldn’t forgive him. I didn’t want to. I hated that he was trying to mess with my head as he did 1 1/2 years earlier.

The months I was pregnant and single and after I had my son being a single mother showed me what a great person I really am and that my weight SHOULDNT matter.. but I was so used to feeling fat that I didnt feel comfortable with myself – physically.

My Self Esteem – The beginning of a new ME!

Amazingly God stepped in right on time.

I didn’t have a relationship with God in the beginning of 2006. I didn’t know much about God. All I knew was that there was a greater being that deserved respect who never left my side because I felt His protection in times that I could had been hurt, raped or even murdered. I knew He protected me but I didn’t know who He was or how wonderful He truly is.

In the beginning of 2006 my sons biological father came back in my life (briefly – very briefly). Old feelings (and not good ones) and pain I had buried in my heart came rushing in. Amazingly the very same day he came into my life God also presented Himself to me through a friend. My moms friend (which lived in the same 3 family house as we did at the time) has a son around my age, we spoke often but never about anything in specific. The day i came home after seeing my sons biological father I was full of mixed emotions, hurt, mad, I just didn’t know what to think. I get a call from this friend (Lets call him S and my sons biological father A). S calls me to come to his home so we can talk. He then let me borrow a book called “Just Like Jesus” by Max Lucado. He spoke to me about forgiveness and how God is good then I was on my way back upstairs.

After that S spoke to me often about God. He took the time to talk to me about how wonderful Gods love is, how He forgives and forgets and makes new. I used to look at him and want to have that love for God and that determination to keep going in the Lord. I would look at him and he’ll be smiling from ear to ear after coming home from a service and at times he would go to my place after a service and just talk to me about God. I started seeing what God was doing in His life and I wanted to have that happiness and love for God as well but I didn’t know where or how to start.

Not long after I decided to attempt to look for God A wasn’t around anymore. He stopped calling once I told him I will never have sexual relations with him. So that was that and now almost 3 years later and he’s not in our lives. (Thank my wonderful Lord).

I knew I needed God to guide me with my son and to protect us. I wanted my son to have a great life and to be a baby that belonged to God, then a child until he grew to be a dedicated man of God. There was only one way to do that which was for me to also dedicate myself to God.

After months of S talking to me (6+ months to be exact) I decided to visit church Aug 2006. I had an emotional experience my first visit that I didn’t even understand at the time. God started working in me the very minute I stepped into church and I didn’t know what was going on. I was crying uncontrollably and I had no idea why I was feeling that way. I was way too shy to go up to the alter when they asked who wanted to accept Jesus. Ss wonderful mother asked me if I wanted to go and offered to go with me and stay by my side.. so I went up to the alter to accept Jesus as my savior and my wonderful God spoke to me and offered me His love, love that I so desperately needed and had spent time looking for in all the wrong places. I then hurt my knee a few days later and didn’t attend a service at church for a few weeks. I later started going on and off thanks to Ss mother and sister that helped me so much when it came to making me feel comfortable in church.

I struggled with giving my all to God for months. I couldn’t let go and let God because my low self esteem was dragging me down. I didn’t feel comfortable going to church (or anywhere) alone, I didn’t feel comfortable praising God in public. I was just a mess.

Due to some issues I will not mention; S and I stopped talking in the beginning of 2008. I was deeply hurt because I looked up to him. I loved him as a best friend and depended on him when I had a question or concern that had to do with my spiritual walk because he was the one who took the time to speak to me about Jesus and how He saves in the first place. When our friendship came to an end I learned that I shouldn’t look up to no human because we all make mistakes.. the only one I need to look up to is God. The day after S and I stopped talking (end of Jan or 1st week of Feb 2008) I went to Sunday School for the first time to start my doctrine class. I was determined to look at God and no one else. I wanted to start Sunday School for months but never did because of my self esteem and me not wanting to go alone.

I decided to start getting closer to God and look for Him more. I remembered that God had asked me two times before what I wanted from Him and I never really responded. I started asking God to help me with my self esteem. I prayed and told Him that I believed that my self esteem was so low because of my weight and I needed Him to help me lose weight because all I really want and need is to focus on Him, do His will and for Him to help my son and I never leave His ways.

Weeks passed, months passed and my weight went up and down. I then told God to do with me as He wishes I just want to feel better and do His will.

God told me many times to give Him all the pain I was carrying in my heart. I started trusting in Him more. He started healing my heart and all the pain I had buried down inside of me. God made me feel His love in a greater way than I ever had, He was filling that void I had inside that only He was able to fill. The more I trusted in Him the more He worked in me.

Every time I was sad or hurting God would speak to me and tell me to trust in Him. He would hug me so many times and let me know He was there for me. Times that I wanted to give up and felt like I couldn’t get over what I was feeling… He showed me that He will never give up on me. He made me strong.

In the beginning of the year (2008) I wanted to lose weight before getting Baptised. In December of that year I was baptised being my highest weight. I gained everything I had lost back but God helped me feel comfortable and good about myself no matter how much I weighed. I was able to see that day the change He had made in my life in such short time.

My beauty was never an issue. I always knew I was beautiful I just didn’t like that I was big. God changed all of that.I don’t need to wait until I’m at goal size to feel beautiful because now I feel and know I am.

I’m losing weight now and it’s all because God is helping me. I tried before and couldn’t do it alone but now with God I can and will do it. I’ve lost over 20lbs in two months. I am no longer trying to lose weight to work on my self esteem because God already worked it out. I no longer think and feel how I used to. I am losing weight for my health and for my son. I want to be able to live longer, enjoy life more, and be in better shape than I ever have ( and fit in every ride in Six flags without worrying about my butt or thighs not fitting! haha)

God loves me, He believes I am special and He’s never wrong. He gave me His love and gave me the confidence to love myself no matter what the enemy tries to make me believe.

I used to blame my problems on me being overweight when in reality everything just had to happen that way so I can mature, get stronger, and become the amazing person God wants me to be…