Bad Timing

This was inspired by someone that means a lot to me. I would like to make it clear that I do NOT have any negative feelings towards this person. He is absolutely great. I just wrote this when I was super emo and emoness = writing mood!

How dare you take advantage of me? How dare you treat me less than what I am worth? Do I not mean anything to you? Am I not more valuable than that?

How dare you?! How dare I!? How dare I give myself away? How dare I throw years out the window? I can’t say I gave you my everything because you never did give me a chance, but I did give you more than anyone has ever gotten.

I’m fragile, vulnerable in your presence. I lay bare before you, feeling like an unsure little girl. I never asked for a commitment, all I ever wanted from you was to feel important, to feel like I’m worth something to you. Instead,  I’m left abandoned, alone, and exposed. I am left with pieces of my heart missing. Those pieces that only you hold. Instead of leaving, I wait. I wait until you decide to come back to me. And for those few moments you’re mine. You’re mine until you leave me again.

I wanted to remind you that I truly am different, but I’ve acted just like the rest, if not worse. You know me, or at least you should. I hope that’s enough.

Single Moms

Single mothers are judged especially if young teen moms. Why is this? There are many older mothers or females who are the “perfect” age that are NOT good moms. There are women who kill their children often with abortions, women who kill their children when they are actually born, women abandon their children, abuse and neglect, the majority of these innocent children having fathers involved.. yet the young single mothers are the targets for gossip? There are women who do not deserve to have children; oh trust me I have witnessed many ugly things parents can do.. but this can be from all races, all religions, all parents whether mother or father, of all ages.

I am not saying to go get pregnant young; but if you do make the right choice and be a good parent or give them for adoption when they are born. Save their life do not take it away. (Even if you were raped; the child has no fault) – If you had one in the past; honestly repent from your heart and God will forgive you AND forget about it. Just do not do it again!
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<li>Do not judge single mothers for being courageous and taking care of their children. There are much more things out in the world that are far worse. Leave it in Gods hands and keep your mouth shut.</li>
</ul>
God uses who He wants to use and blesses who He wants to bless with children. Do not be surprised if you will not be able to have children one day or if that person you speak about will be placed on high while you’re still in the same place you find yourself at now.</blockquote>
God bless you!

I’m a single mom

Any female can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a mom.

I am 20 years old and my son is 3. No surprise that I was a young mom when I gave birth to him and obviously I’m still young. I was 16years old when I got pregnant (to my boyfriend at the time) and gave birth to my son a month after I turned 17.

I am a single mother. Always have been. Wont get into details because that will just be another long dramatic post. But long story short, the day I found out I was pregnant my sons biological father told me to get an abortion; I am against abortions (pro-life all the way) and told him I wont so he broke up with me.

I worked while I was pregnant. I had EVERYTHING for my son ready before he was born. I purchased clothes up to 12 months even though I knew it would be months before he fit in them, diapers, wipes, way more crib sheets and blankets than he needed, well, everything. He had it all. I was so excited!

My son was born full term; the doctors actually believe he was a day or two late. He was born at a healthy weight and oh so handsome (and amazingly continues to get more handsome as time passes). I knew I loved him when I carried him in my womb but once I saw him I knew he had my heart; my everything. What once was all about me suddenly changed to all about this little person who had my all. I couldn’t stop looking at him and giving him kisses. -I still can’t stop hugging and kissing him. My bebe.

Anyways, he swallowed some amniotic fluid and had to be in the NICU for 7 days. That was the toughest yet most amazing week of my life. I cried every day that week. I was so worried about my baby. I saw so many sweet 1lb babies, babies who had barely to no chance to live, couldn’t even hear them cry much. Then I would look to my side; my big 8.4lb baby fully healthy just in need of some antibiotics.. I was so grateful to God that my baby was born healthy; but I still felt pain to see my baby having to be in the hospital. I wasn’t a Christian at the time. I believed there was a God and had respect for Him but that was it. Never really prayed or anything; I basically looked at God only when things got bad. But that week my eyes opened and I was able to see how much God has blessed me and how much He has protected me. Even through my young teen reckless years: He was standing beside me helping me out.

That week I held the first newborn EVER; my son. Changed my first diaper. Breastfed. Cried my eyes out. Worried. Realized Gods protection in my life. Realized who is the only person who has always and truly been there for me unconditionally; my mom. Realized there’s more to life than being young, dumb and worrying about boys. In those few days I grew from a young dumb girl to a mom. To someone who only focuses on what matters; my son.

It was tough the first few months. In the NICU every single baby had a mom and dad and I was alone. Youngest one and no father there. I was a bit disappointed that my sons biological father wasn’t enough of a man (I was 16 – he was 21) to be there for my son but also grateful that God blessed me with such an amazing mom that helped me emotionally, physically, financially and most importantly showed my son and me unconditional love even when I felt I didn’t deserve such a wonderful mom because of the pain I caused her (post coming up later about my mami).

I worked at the mall for a few years so obviously, I saw many young parents with their children. It made me mad/hurt that my son would grow without a father. I didn’t care to be with his biological father. I grew to borderline hate him as time passed because he left me pregnant and threatened my life because I wouldn’t abort. (I will do another post about that as well)

A few more months later God blessed me with someone I used to call a true friend. We were friends for almost a year already but when I needed God the most He sent him to speak to me. He spent a lot of time talking to me about God, forgiveness, and salvation. ( I will write about that later as well and add links through this post with the new post). … I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. He worked on me and still continues to work on me. God showed me to forgive everyone, He showed me true love, protection, guidance, He showed me and gave me a true and beautiful life.

God has blessed me with an amazing family, good health, happiness, and has NEVER ever left us without food, rent money or clothing. I am broke people. I have no job. I am unable to work at the moment but God made the way. We (as a family) are getting less money than we did last year.. but we have more food, more clothing, we had a great Christmas – my baby especially <3 etc because God has permitted us to have it that way!

Many young parents wish they would have waited to have children. They do not regret having them because they do love their kids but if they could have waited a few years they would’ve. What would I have done? I wouldn’t change one second of it all.

I do not know where I would be or my condition if God wouldn’t had blessed me with the mom He gave me and with the amazing baby boy He blessed me with. God knows what He is doing. He doesn’t make mistakes; it’s impossible. Everything happened how it was suppose to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am so grateful for everything God has done and continues to do.

The late night/early morning walks to the emergency room, the throwing up on my clothes, the stinky diapers, the heart jumping every time my baby tried to crawl but fell, the waking up every 2-3 hours to breastfeed sometimes even more often, the constant hours and hours of holding my baby to comfort him even when I was oh so sleepy, the runs to the store for diaper ointments, Pedialyte, diapers or special baby detergent, people talking b/c I am unwed and with a child, the cooking meals when I am too tired to even cook for myself, the waking up at 4 or 5am, the times I clean and leave the room only to find toys and just about everything you can find on the floor again, all the tears, nights of being worried if he has a stuffy nose or isn’t feeling well, the appointments, the laughing, the playing, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the “I love you mami”, the sweetness, the warm feeling I get when I know he is happy, the way I feel when I hear him laugh, each single moment that passes that he is growing healthy, the fact that he has always ALWAYS been a really happy, healthy, and loving baby since birth: Being a single mother. Being who I am to him is one of the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful blessing God has given me . (my salvation from being a slave to sin and a place in His Kingdom in Heaven being the #1 gift from God.)

I am glad and proud to be a single mom. I am grateful to God that I am. I do not need anyone but God to keep me strong and He has proven that to me time and time again. He gave me my mom, He gave me my son, He gave me everything I have. My son, my baby.. mine. When I get married (God promised me a partner; it’s in His hands and His time) the man for me will love my son as his own; my son will love him and look at him as his dad. It will be a beautiful family… BUT my son was given to ME by God. My son will continue to carry my last name and I will be the one making the decisions for his education as well as everything else (with Gods guidance) until he is of age to make good decisions on his own.

God placed my son in my hands and I will be the one to raise Him how God wants me to.

Without Him I am nothing but with Him I am someone special. I have it all if its through Him.

God bless you! Thanks for reading.